Crying

One of your baby's basic needs is: 'Hear Me!' and crying is your baby's way of being heard. But a lot of crying is not inevitable, or 'normal'.

We explode the myths that baby's cry 'a lot' and show you how to understand and respond to your baby's signals, and nurture a contented baby. Our courses explore many aspects of your baby's language, including crying ... and help you work out how to prevent upset, listen to your baby and minimise distress, and soothe her.

When your baby is crying she has a need - perhaps she needs food, company, play, soothing, or sleep - and she has strong feelings. She may be feeling distress at being separated from you, anger at not having her needs met, or perhaps fear. All these are normal and frequent emotions for your baby. When she cries, she needs you to fulfil her physical need (e.g. food) as well as her emotional need (e.g. soothing words, loving touch).

You will learn to understand what she is communicating by her differing tones, volume and intensity. The best way to learn is to spend lots of time together, and notice how you feel: you may feel your body responding urgently to some cries, and less urgently to others.

Protest and despair

Babies who are left to cry for long periods may eventually settle – not because they are ok, but because they have given up. This is described by neonatal specialists as ‘protest-despair’. The highly stressed state is not good for health, or development, and certainly doesn't help a baby feel safe, or trust her carers. Babies need loving adults to be with them as they experience intense sensations in their new world.

Consistent comfort

A baby whose distress is comforted consistently is likely to develop effective response systems in her brain. This is likely to enable her to manage stress well throughout her life. It's an amazing gift from parent to child.

You cannot spoil your baby!

You cannot spoil your baby! In the first year, babies cannot be spoilt as they are not able to manipulate their carers - their brains aren't mature enough. Nor can they learn to be independent - they may develop stress responses, or dissociate and become quiet, but they cannot manage their feelings any more than they can walk, talk, or find their own food: babies are totally dependent. Independence emerges when the need for dependence has been satisfied and a child develops the ability to self regulate.

In some families there's a lot of emphasis on independence, and fostering this from birth: but what a baby needs is to be dependent on those who care for her. When your baby knows you are there for her, she will feel safe and valued. This helps her brain to develop optimally and nurtures the ability to trust, which is a foundation for independence in later life.

Babies who feel secure tend to be confident and secure adults: babies who, on the other hand, feel insecure and unsure of their parents' attention, have a greater tendency to be anxious and fractious, both in childhood and as adults.

Leaving your baby to cry

It is never ok to leave your baby in a state of distress. It is not lengthy periods of crying that are a problem, it is prolonged uncomforted distress that is so damaging for a baby’s developing brain and the way she learns to deal with distress. All babies cry - and so will yours - but most need to be held and helped to calm down. It is helpful to know that babies who have their needs met cry less, and in the long run do not behave like spoilt children. You cannot spoil a young baby: a baby who feels safe and has her needs met learns to trust.

We look at crying in depth on our courses, and discuss the eternally hot topic of crying before sleep, and the potential impact of 'controlled crying' as a method of 'sleep training'. You may also read about the potential damage of long periods of unsoothed crying in our article on sleep .

The key is to listen, and respond according to what your heart tells you. Sometimes you will not be able to soothe your baby quickly, but it is still important for her to know you are there, accepting her as she expresses herself.

When you were a baby

If you were left to cry for lengthy periods as a baby, you may now find it difficult to hear your baby cry and want to respond immediately; or you may find it really difficult to be with your baby while she is crying.