Dad's Role
Myth: Dad’s relationship with his baby begins after birth.
Fact: Dad and baby can bond during pregnancy; your baby will recognize and respond to you from birth if you have been involved during pregnancy. Plus, your relationship with your partner influences your baby. It comes as a surprise to many men that their relationship with their baby can begin before birth; and that father-baby bonding before pregnancy can have many positive benefits.
Your baby is able to hear your voice, and feel your touch when you massage or stroke your partner’s abdomen. In later pregnancy, you may experience your baby moving in response to your voice or touch. Many fathers enjoy this reciprocal contact.
Your baby is on the receiving end of your actions towards your partner – if your partner feels loved and supported by you, your baby is bathed in a loving, safe environment; if your partner feels uncomfortable, your baby will be impacted by this, too.
What you can do:
- Spend time with your partner, talking, listening, doing things you both enjoy.
- Support your partner, help her to get what she needs in pregnancy and after birth to feel good and to bond with and nourish your baby as well as possible.
- Talk to your baby. Stay in touch!
- Gather your network of friends and family so you can have fun, and support, through pregnancy and beyond. Look after yourself!
- Keep the lines of communication open with your partner - talking and listening.
Looking after you Please remember that, while it’s important to be supportive to your partner, you need to feel good – doing what you enjoy, and getting the support that you need. Then you can give your best to your partner without depleting yourself.
It may be helpful to review any stress or anxiety at work or at home. And it’s important to have support. This may be a mate, perhaps one who is already a parent. It may be a spiritual leader; it may be your own Dad. There may be a dad’s group. In a balanced partnership, supporters receive support; thereby no one is the ‘martyr’ whilst the other benefits - instead, each person benefits, and so does the growing baby.
What your partner needs Whilst pregnant, your partner will need you to honour her as a woman as well as a mother. Making conversation with your baby supports your partner in many ways, and begins the journey of co-parenting; taking time to be with your partner will support her and help her feel secure – and help to keep your relationship thriving. Honouring your partner’s sexuality or honouring your partner as a sexual being and maintaining intimacy is also important: as is honest discussion if sex becomes a problem.
While your role as protector, friend, supporter and lover is important, this is not to suggest that the ultimate is to give yourself up to your partner at all costs. There is a difference between supporting through a sense of obligation, or perhaps with some resentment, and supporting with love and with respect for your own needs and feelings. Your baby, at all stages of pregnancy, is bound up with the dynamics between you and your partner.
Keeping lines of communication open It will be beneficial if you can talk openly during pregnancy, so that you are both clear about your wishes, hopes, expectations and fears, and discuss your views on practical issues such as sleep, feeding, contact. There will no doubt be areas where you do not have the same perspective, or even strongly disagree: it’s important to discuss your differences of opinion, and very helpful to do it before your baby is born. The listening exercises on a babiesknow course help with this.
Honest communication strengthens the bond between you and will help you both appreciate where support or more information would be helpful. When the bond between you is strong there is freedom for your incoming baby to simply ‘be’, whereas if the bond is unstable or there is conflict, your baby may compensate her behaviour to accommodate mum or dad’s needs: a baby can become a ‘care giver or a “foetal therapist”.
After birth A baby and mother are a ‘dyad’ or a ‘unit’ and, ideally, should be separated as little as possible. The early days are a wonderful opportunity for a baby to bond with mum and it is this bond that sets the scene for all future relationships.
One important role for you as Dad is to protect this dyad. Helpful actions may be as simple as holding off telephone calls whilst Mum is napping, feeding or bathing, it may be holding a boundary from unwelcome “good-wishers”; it may be asking others to help with some cooking, or doing the cooking yourself; etc., and it may be arranging for you to have time with your friends, away from the home, to recharge your batteries.
It is not unusual for a dad to become jealous of his partner’s affection for her baby; this often reflects the dad’s early experiencing of being parented. It may be challenging to play ‘second-fiddle’ for your woman’s affections, and to appreciate that your own bonding with your baby will follow a different process. Yet by protecting this space for relaxation, bonding, and breastfeeding, you are offering profound love and support. You and your partner can also hold your partnership dear, gently allowing it to adjust to the new dynamics of your family.
When Mums are supported, babies are supported. And when the bond between mum and baby is secure and strong, the baby’s nervous system and brain develop in reaction to this: in such a way that the baby is likely, through childhood and into adulthood, to be able to enjoy loving and trusting friendships. Feeling secure also supports optimal brain development , enhances your baby’s inclination to bond with you both after birth, and, quite simply, feels good for him or her.