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Below are some frequently asked questions, answered by Kitty. As the site develops we will expand these, with answers from the rest of the team depending on the questions you ask. Please feel free to fill in the form on the left if you wish to send a question to us. Bonding in pregnancy Q: What can I do to bond with my baby while I am pregnant? A: Great question and if you are asking it, I imagine you are half way there already. During pregnancy is a wonderful time to begin communicating with your baby. You can talk to her silently or out aloud, let her know how you feel about becoming a mum, if it is true for you, tell her she is wanted, loved, will be respected and supported. Stroke your tummy, sing to her, let her know you are there for her and will take good care of her. Perhaps thank her for coming to your family. Take some special quiet time everyday to tune in and love her. De-stressing your life and taking time with your baby and letting her know she is important and that you do have time for her is a great way to begin bonding. Ask your partner to do the same. I wish you all the best with enjoying your baby, together. Q: I am six months pregnant and feeling very stressed at work. Will it harm my baby? A: I think you are wise to take note of your stress level, especially while you are pregnant. Stress is a normal part of our everyday life, whether or not it is harmful depends on how well you are managing it. One person may get stressed over minor events while another may take it in her stride. If you bear in mind that your baby experiences what you experience, and he or she is being formed by the experience of life in the womb, I recommend you take steps to reduce your stress. You may need to consider giving up work earlier or decreasing your workload. It may also be helpful to address any difficult relationships that affect you in the workplace. I invite you to take a close look at how you spend your time and think about the balance between work, relaxation, social time, and time with your baby, even while he or she is in your womb. Try putting what is important before that which is urgent. Take time to relax, laugh and play. You could consider meditating, taking frequent appropriate exercise and certainly use slow deep breathing to calm you yourself down. While you do feel stressed, you can talk to your baby about it. In a private place - maybe in the bath, or in bed - where you can focus inwards, you can talk gently with her. You will find the words that feel right to you, something along the lines of : 'I am feeling really stressed at the moment. It is nothing to do with you, I think the demands at work are too much for me. I am taking steps to reduce the demands and feeling calmer.' This kind of honest, gentle communication can be very powerful in pregnancy. A: Since the advent of scans we have the opportunity to discover the gender of our baby. This is very useful in situations such as yours, as you have time to explore your feelings and come to terms with this knowledge now, rather than being shocked at birth. Begin by trying to understand exactly what is so difficult for you about having a girl, what feelings are activated and in what ways do you believe it will be different from having a boy. Is it purely your ego or might having a same sex baby reflect issues from your own early life? You may be able to talk this over with friends or family or you may need the help of a professional. You may find this easier than you expect once you understand the reasons for your strong feelings. Your baby will appreciate you being able to welcome her for who she is rather than what you need her to be. There are many cases of girls being born who felt they were supposed to be a boy who follow a very masculine path in life in an effort to please their parents' wishes. . . .Family of OriginI don't want to repeat my childhood experience My wife and I are from different backgrounds Q: I don’t want to bring up my children the way I was brought up. What can I do? A: This is a frequently asked question and one I am always very pleased to answer. Patterns of behaviour have a habit of repeating in families unless we make a concerted effort to change them. The first step is to spend time thinking about your own early life, what was it that upset you about the way you were parented and how has it affected the person, and the parent, you are now. We all have a tendency to react strongly to our own upbringing and do the exact opposite without thinking it through first. The opposite style of parenting rarely offers a good experience for our children. We need to aim for a less reactive, more integrated approach. If you are holding negative feelings about your parents and feel angry and disappointed by the way you were treated, it would be very supportive to speak to a trained counsellor or psychotherapist. Alternately you could write a journal expressing your feelings and reviewing the events of your life. Bear in mind that your parents did their best; all parents do their best, this often falls way short of good enough, but they in their turn are reacting to their own early life experiences. Having connected to and expressed your feelings, either by speaking or writing, the next step is to let them go and forgive the past, focussing on how you would like to parent in the present. Q: My wife and I come from very different backgrounds and I worry that we will not agree on how to bring up our children. Our first child is due in four months, any advice would be welcome. A: I understand your concern, as bringing up children can magnify any differences in your families of origin. You still have four months to prepare before the arrival of your first child and I suggest that you and your wife take regular time to discuss your expectations and fears related to parenting your children. One very effective way to explore this is to set up frequent uninterrupted time together and really listen to each other. Take say five minutes each to speak while your partner simply listens in silence, then swap over, really hearing each other without judgement, choosing not to interrupt or comment. Afterward you can discuss how to honour both of your wishes. There will need to be some compromise of course and you do not have to agree on everything, just the issues that are particularly important to you both. Remember one family system is not necessarily right or wrong, just different. You will be most successful if you can listen and speak from a loving heart. Q: My first baby is six months old and my mother is driving me crazy, she is judgemental and critical about how I am choosing to mother my son. What can I do? I don’t want to upset her. A: I hear that you do not want to upset your mother, but it sounds to me as though you are upset and that your confidence as a mother is being undermined. Finding a solution to this problem is important so that you and your baby can enjoy being together, and you can be the mother you know how to be. There often comes a time in life when we need to speak up to our parents whether they like it or not. Your mother sounds as though she has some fixed ideas about how to be a mother. This may be her way of defending herself about how she brought you up or indeed how she herself was raised. I recommend you acknowledge to her that you recognise she is trying to be supportive to you, and explain that you are not experiencing her ‘support’ as helpful, then tell her what support you would like from her. This might include having more space away from her. This does not need to be said in anger, just honestly communicated, bearing in mind that she means her best. Of course there is a risk that she will get upset, but it is better for you and your baby that you are not the one to be upset. Having children invites us to step up to the plate, and stand up for ourselves and our children. . . .Talking and ListeningWhat is my husband really saying? How do I know what my baby is saying? How do I know that my baby understands what I say? Q: My husband says one thing, but his body language says another – what should I believe? A: Our body language is more reliable than our spoken language. We often say what we think the other person wants to hear or keep the peace by being economical with the truth. I would be inclined to listen to his body language and ask for clarification saying you don’t quite get what he is saying. Q: How do I know what my baby’s saying when she doesn’t speak? A: Babies are born ready and wanting to communicate with their mothers. As you accept this to be true and spend time with your baby she will let you into a new world of communicating – with her eyes, her body movements, her cries and her facial expressions. If you take time, slow your pace, and really listen, you will soon learn how to appreciate most of what she is saying to you. You may not get it right all the time, but most of the time is certainly good enough. The key is to listen – when you talk to her, leave a space and give her time to respond. Babies work at a far slower pace than adults. It is delightful to get into a conversation at a baby’s pace, and when your baby feels you are listening to her, she will know that she is understood she will continue to communicate openly. Q: How do I know that my baby understands what I say? A: When you talk to your baby the words you use are important, but your tone of voice, the eye contact you make and the way your face changes (smiles, frowns, etc) are far more important. From birth your baby is able to read these: she will pick up your messages in very subtle ways. She tunes into emotional and physical signals, rather than verbal facts. The key to discovering whether your baby understands you is to slow down and take time to listen to her response. You are likely to fall into a ‘dance’ where you understand one another – although while she is young your role as the adult is to understand and meet her needs, rather than ask her to meet yours. I hope you dance well together! . . .Adult feelingsHow does my experience as a baby affect me now? Can I be a good enough mother? I am not sure I want to be a mother, but I don't want my baby to know ... Q: You say the experience I had as a baby affects the way I’m relating to my child now – but I don’t remember anything, so how does this fact help me? A: Thank you for your question. You are not alone in being unable to recall your early childhood – few of us do – but you might be surprised that there are clues to your earliest memories in your thoughts and actions today. It is not remembering actual events that is important, it is the ability to appreciate some of the feelings you might have had when you were young. As your emotions rise and fall through the course of each day, many will be echoes of what you felt as a baby – the need to be held or comforted, for instance, maybe some anger at not being understood, or pleasure at feeling safe. This is because the emotional responses you ‘learnt’ in your early development become hardwired in your brain and tend to repeat themselves. The great advantage of recognising feelings that echo your past is that you then have a choice. You may discover that your own ‘baby’ feelings aren't about the baby in your care, but about you – most of us need practice and patience to do this. You may find it easier to tune into your baby, and her unique feelings. And/or you may wish to seek further support around feelings that have their roots in your early years and still trouble you today. It can be extremely helpful to find out where a feeling may originate and what you can do to remain calmer. Acknowledging the strength of babies’ feelings and the persistence of emotional tendencies from babyhood into adulthood are two themes that are central to Babiesknow. Many people say that simply accepting there is a connection with their past is a good starting point. I invite you to try it and see if anything changes for you. Q: I am convinced my baby will not love me. What can I do? A: It sounds as if you are very worried about this, and I am sorry you are in this difficult space. You may be encouraged to know that your baby, like all others, has a strong spirit and a powerful urge to connect with his or her parents and be part of the family group. It’s part of human nature, and is imprinted in the genes and wired in the brain. Babies are not judgemental. They are loving and accept things just as they are – and your baby will accept you the way you are. Your baby takes her cues from your eyes, your tone of voice and your body language, and it is possible that if you carry a lot of self-doubt or even self- loathing into your relationship she may become confused. An important thing for you to do may be to ask why you think you are not loveable. Please do this with a friend or counsellor if you can. For many parents in your position the root of feeling not good enough or not loveable is that they did not feel loved as babies, and there may be other factors (such as being put down in a family or work relationship) that feed low self-esteem. I suggest you try loving yourself with simple measures like eating well, taking time to do things you enjoy, let your friends care for you, acknowledge your good points, and trust your feelings. When you begin to feel more confident about yourself I suspect your concerns about your baby loving you will reduce. As a last word I would like to say that there is a huge chance that your worries will dissolve once you are holding your baby in your arms. Q: I am nervous that I cannot be good enough mother. Can I? A: Becoming a parent can be a big step and most people can be good enough if they make the effort. It will be helpful if you and your partner can talk about your concerns, get to understand yourselves and each other and learn how to ask for and give support. When your baby arrives take time with your baby, slow down your lifestyle, take time to tune in to her by listening and responding from your heart. If she feels loved, understood, respected and acknowledged by you, you will be more than good enough. Remember to take some time to nurture yourself. Q: Sometimes I feel upset and angry and I am not sure if I want to be a Mother , I don’t want my baby to know. What can I do? A: I am sorry to hear you are experiencing these difficult feelings. I suspect that many mothers feel this from time to time, but if you are experiencing these feelings on a consistent basis I suggest you contact your doctor or a psychotherapist, as it would be very helpful to have the support of a professional. We all want to be the best Mum we can be and it is easy to feel guilty about having negative feelings. I understand you think it would be better if your baby did not know how you feel. However mothers and babies are so tuned in that he probably does know how you feel, but not why. Rather than try to pretend that you are feeling ok, it will be very reassuring for your baby if you talk to him and explain honestly how you are feeling (you'll need to be willing to accept responsibility for your own feelings). There are a couple of steps you will need to take. Firstly begin to think about why you are upset and angry. When you have understood this, and you may or may not need the help of a professional, talk to your baby about it. For instance if you are suddenly feeling isolated and cut off from your colleagues and friends at work you could say. “I am feeling upset today because I am missing my work mates, I am so unused to being at home all day. I didn’t realise I would feel like this when I stopped work. It is taking me time to get used to being a Mum, this is not your responsibility, I will get myself some support and maybe you and I can go out more.” If it is true tell your baby that you love him and are there for him. However if it is not the truth he will know and it is better not said. The feeling when someone speaks the truth compared to lying is completely different and your baby will know. Speaking appropriate truths to your baby will help him to feel secure. . . . What can I do to build a strong bond with my baby?
Q: What can I do to build a strong bond with my baby? A: You and your baby both have a strong urge to bond. That’s a great start, and what’s most important is that you are ready and make the space for this to happen. I recommend you slow down and take time to focus on your baby – this applies in pregnancy as well as after birth. The way in which your baby feels accepted, affirmed and nurtured, and able to trust you, affects whether the bond is strong, ambivalent or weak. Take time to talk to your baby, even in pregnancy, and let her/him know that you love and accept her/him. Your baby can pick up these signals in many ways during pregnancy. After birth, continue to talk, make brief and frequent eye contact, and enjoy plenty of skin to skin contact. Breastfeeding is also a hugely important part of bonding as it inclues physical touch, spoken words, nourishing food and feelings of love. If you care well for yourself, and let others care for you, you will be more secure for your baby. Lastly, a word about being present. Your baby always dwells in the present, as an adult it is easy to have your mind or attention on something else, like a phone call you need to make, or a meal to cook. If you are present and focused in the moment with your baby this is wonderful fuel for bonding, and also really enjoyable. I hope you have fun making time to do this. All contents copyright © Babiesknow, 2008. All rights reserved. |
"Before babiesknow I was anxious and we had planned a regimented life for our baby. Being on the weekend completely turned things around. |
