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Crying When your baby is crying she has a need - perhaps she needs food, company, play, soothing, or sleep - and she has strong feelings. She may be feeling distress at being separated from you, anger at not having her needs met, or perhaps fear. All these are normal and frequent emotions for your baby. When she cries, she needs you to fulfil her physical need (e.g. food) as well as her emotional need (e.g. soothing words, loving touch). Gradually you will begin to understand what she is communicating by her differing tones, volume and intensity. You may feel your body responding urgently to some cries, and less urgently to others. Being in tune like this is something that develops as you spend more and more time together. You cannot spoil your baby You cannot spoil your baby. The fact is that the neocortex (or thinking area) in her brain is not sufficiently mature to learn to manipulate you. She acts solely according to her emotional feelings - since the emotional part of her brain - the limbic brain - is fully on line. She learns according to what she feels. By attending to your baby when she cries you are letting her know that she is understood. She will feel safe and valued. In spite of a drive in some western cultures to value independence, and even to advocate developing this skill early on, what your baby needs is dependence. Knowing that you are there, feeling your attention, and having her needs met all help her brain to develop optimally. Babies who feel secure tend to be confident and secure adults: babies who, on the other hand, feel insecure and unsure of their parents' attention, have a greater tendency to be anxious and fractious, both in childhood and as adults. Babies do not, and cannot, learn to be independent. Independence emerges when the need for dependence has been satisfied. Leaving your baby to cry It is never ok to leave your baby in a state of distress. All babies cry, and so will yours. It is not lengthy periods of crying that are a problem, it is prolonged uncomforted distress that is so damaging for your baby’s developing brain and her ability to deal with stress in later life. There are no rules about precisely how long is ok to leave a baby crying - whether three minutes or ten. We recommend 10 as an upper limit, but it is up to you to see what feels acceptable. It may vary with the reason for crying. It is helpful to know that babies who have their needs met cry less, and in the long run do not behave like spoilt children. You cannot spoil a young baby: a baby who feels safe and has her needs met learns to trust. You will learn to interpret your baby's cries. If her cry makes your gut lurch or gives you a feeling of panic, she needs you straight away. If her cry is linked with tiredness or boredom, she will be fine if it takes you a few minutes to reach her. Sometimes offering your baby a different toy, feeding her if she is hungry, holding her, or talking to her, will fulfil her need. The key is to listen, and respond. Sometimes you will not be able to soothe your baby quickly, but it is still important for her to know you are there, accepting her as she expresses herself. You may need to rest with her while she lets it all out. Usually, your baby will need to be held when she cries - just as you would appreciate loving arms around you if you were upset. Protesting and despair Babies who are left to cry for prolongued periods may eventually settle – not because they are ok, but because they have given up. This is described by neonatal specialists as ‘protest-despair’. The feeling of stress that comes with separation and prolonged upset causes many healthy body systems to function less than optimally, and keeps a baby in a state of hyper-arousal. This is not good for health. Babies need loving adults to be with them as they experience intense sensations in their new world. A baby whose distress is comforted consistently is likely to develop effective response systems in her brain. This is likely to enable her to manage stress well throughout her life. It's an amazing gift from parent to child. If you were left to cry for lengthy periods as a baby, you may now find it difficult to hear your baby cry and want to respond immediately; or you may find it too difficult to hold your baby for long periods of time while she is crying. Having the support of family or good friend is invaluable here. It is better to ask someone else to comfort your baby if it is too overwhelming for you. At babiesknow we help you develop the skill of distinguishing your own pain (triggered by hearing a baby’s cry) and the external crying of the baby in your arms. The same skill of ‘distinguishing’ your own feelings from your baby applies when you or your baby feels angry, sad, and so on. When you are not gripped by fear or anger, or overwhelmed by painful memories, your baby will be less anxious and settle more easily. All contents copyright © Babiesknow, 2008. All rights reserved. |
‘Protest-despair behaviour is a stress reaction, and the hormones related to this have been extensively studied. At high levels, these hormones are intrinsically neurotoxic to the brain.’ Says Dr Nils Bergman, advocate of Kangaroo Mother Care.
'...a child who has experienced periods of prolonged crying can develop an over-sensitive stress-response syssctem thatmay affect her throughout life. This can mean that all too often her perception of the world and what is happening to her will be coloured by a sense of threat and anxiety, even when everything is perfectly safe.' |
