Bonding Before Birth

Myth: Bonding is something that begins after birth. It doesn’t matter whether you feel bonded to your baby in pregnancy.

Fact: Bonding begins in pregnancy. A baby who feels wanted and secure in connection with mum tends to bond well, leading to secure attachment: this lays down a foundation for loving relationships throughout life.

We are driven to bond and become attached to our parents and carers. In infancy, the need to bond with a parent or caregiver is powerful, yet if conditions are not supportive, bonding will not take place and attachment will be insecure – sufficient for survival but underpinned by discomfort and fear.

Loving and secure bonding in pregnancy is incredibly beneficial. When mum bonds with her baby before birth, it is very likely that the bond will continue to deepen after birth. Positive effects include more successful breastfeeding, improved sleep for mum and baby, and reduced tendency to postnatal depression for mum; plus a feeling of safety & contentment for baby.

What you can do:

• Spend time each day to focus on the baby growing inside you
• Talk to your baby
o Let your baby know he or she is welcomed and loved
• Go about your daily life with your baby’s presence in mind
• Do what you love – when you feel good the ‘love hormones’ in your body rise
• Seek support if you are anxious, stressed, or do not feel a connection with your baby

The science of bonding

Knowing a little about what happens physically when we feel bonded helps to explain some of the benefits for you and your baby.

The hormones that flow when we have loving feelings are part of bonding. Everybody has ‘love hormones’, a term coined by French obstetrician Michel Odent. The main love hormones are oxytocin and prolactin: both make you and your baby feel good, and are crucial for loving, secure bonding. They naturally flow in increasing quantities through pregnancy and during birth and breastfeeding; and when conditions are right their flow is maximized. A strong flow of love hormones and endorphins supports health for each person, as well as promoting bonding.

Your baby produces her own love hormones and responds to the hormones that flow from you. These help her feel pleasure, and feel loved and connected to you. Without this sensation, a baby can feel insecure and isolated and foundations of self-esteem and trust are poorly supported.

The flow of love hormones increases when you experience joy, and when you feel loved and in good health; when you’re with friends; with loving touch; when you have eye contact with someone you love; during positive visualizations and meditation; with exercise; when you eat delicious food; and during loving sex.

The flow is inhibited if you feel stressed, threatened or in pain, if you feel isolated, sad or upset. If you feel down it may be reassuring to know that simple measures (such as meeting with a friend, having a massage, taking a walk, practicing visualization, eating well) may help your love hormones flow, and when they do, they help to reduce the flow of stress hormones through your body.

Easy bonding?

Loving bonding often comes naturally for a mum and baby, but for some parents bonding does not come easily. What happens in pregnancy, both for mum and for baby, affects bonding. Bonding patterns in the family of origin (of mum with her mum and dad; and their bonds with their parents, and so on) can also be significant.

Feeling Safe (Secure Bonding)

While in the womb, your baby’s cells are being primed. Your baby’s capacity to feel and give love, at least on the level of protein release, hormone manufacture and other chemical communication, can be set during pregnancy. Even before birth, your baby is developing strategies that support survival and optimal growth, in response to her environment.

Bruce Lipton, Ph.D., cellular and developmental biologist, author and former Associate Professor with the University of Wisconsin’s School of Medicine, US, tells us:

These “stay alive” survival strategies may develop if a baby feels insecure or threatened in some way. They can influence behaviour throughout life, for instance in readiness to trust others, the ability to notice and act on personal feelings, and, consequently, choice of friends, activities and work. Early experiences of feeling unsafe, or unloved, may predispose a person to addictive behaviours and/or destructive relationships in later life ; and the experience of feeling safe and loved may predispose a person to choosing nourishing activities and relationships. For your baby, the ideal is to feel safe and loved. 
For more on bonding, follow this link.

Foetal Love Breaks

Frederick Wirth, M.D., Neonatologist, former Associate Clinical Professor of Paediatrics at Tufts University School of Medicine, USA, speaks about taking ‘foetal love breaks’: making time every day to rest, be quiet, tune in to and love your baby. Your foetal love messages teach your developing child to expect love from her environment and her brain will organise itself around the anticipation of receiving love. This positive beginning supports your child to seek out and choose loving, respectful, and supportive environments throughout her life, decreasing the likelihood of being in an abusive relationship as an adult.