Separation & Divorce
Separation and Divorce are increasingly common. What's the best way to support yourself through separation, and how can you support your children? A central tenet of Babiesknow philosophy is to nurture the relationship between the parents; since this relationship provides the emotional space within which a child grows.
If your relationship is showing signs of strain or you have decided to separate it is important to find a way to be respectful, kind and cooperative with each other, with your child’s needs in mind. This may be very difficult, particularly in the heat of a break-up or disagreement, but it is extremely important for your children. Too often we meet adults and children who have been traumatised by the angry breakdown of their parents’ marriage. Your actions and consideration now could help to reduce your own child’s or children’s trauma – and this applies whatever their age.
Kitty Hagenbach and Helen Biscoe Taylor offer one-to-one, couples and family coaching for people coping with separation and divorce. They are here to guide and support you as individuals and as a couple, and advise you on the developmental and emotional needs of your children. You can find out how they helped to support Lucy Cavendish in this Evening Standard article.
We highly recommend that each of the adults in the family takes responsibility for their behaviour and undertakes to understand what is happening, both for themselves and their children. We are here to support this. This applies to grandparents and other close relatives who could support the family. The ideal is for adults to co-operate, and to allow the child’s developmental needs to be the primary guide to custody arrangements.
Some coaching
Each family situation needs to be evaluated individually, but the following advice may help you form a framework as you care for your child/ren, and yourself, in your own, unique journey.
It makes a difference for the children if at least one, but preferably both parents ...
• Take responsibility for their own wellbeing and develop awareness of their own emotional responses.
• Avoid blaming the other partner for the way they feel, especially in front of the children.
• Put the children’s emotional and developmental needs first; this will sometimes require putting aside adult differences and feelings.
• Commit to staying in communication with each other about the children’s needs, and avoid underhand or manipulative attempts at control, or spoiling with treats to ‘win’ love. Communicating by email is helpful when feelings are running high.
• Keep prolonged separation from either parent to a minimum, and keep day and night time routines as consistent and as developmentally appropriate as possible.
• Make time each day to really be ‘present’ and tuned in to the child/ren, when you’re together. Even 15-20 minutes will help. If you are upset, emotions and memories can make it difficult to stay present; keep practising so you can see, hear and respond to your children, despite the challenges and pain in your life.
• Be honest when introducing new partners and sensitive to the children’s response; each child will respond differently.
How? Practical tips for parents
A vital ingredient is support, from family, friends, or a professional offering couples or family counselling or coaching. This will help you see things more clearly, and get through the challenging phases. Family Therapy or psychological support is often available through an NHS doctor. When parents are supported, children are less likely to try to take responsibility for their parents, and can have their own experience of the separation – this will make it easier for them to integrate the feelings, and move on (and not feel at fault).
During the breakdown of a relationship, feelings surface that first occurred in early experiences of attachment (and perhaps an early experience of betrayal or conflict). Regressed and childish behaviour can result. Make time to consider your feelings, and it will become easier to distinguish between the ‘child’ part of you and the ‘adult’ you. Counselling can help with this.
It helps for each parent to consider their part in the breakdown; it is never one sided, even if one partner feels wronged. It is helpful, in the long run, to let go of anger and blame.
Telling the Children
• Children generally do not want to hear that their parents are separating. We recommend parents are clear about their plans before telling the children and are clear about their own responsibility. e.g., saying to the children ‘you are in no way responsible for the break up, this is between us’. It’s useful to reiterate this over several months; children are quick to assume it is because of them and wonder how they could have behaved differently or made it better somehow.
• Where possible, it’s best for both parents to be present and tell all the children at the same time, using simple, appropriately truthful language that the youngest can easily understand. You can always speak to older children later, or answer their questions as they arise. They do not need to hear all the gory detail; they need to know how it will affect their lives; and they need honesty.
• Allow your children to have their own response to the separation. They need to feel comforted while they are upset, and allowed to express their feelings in the way they choose to do this. If a child represses their feelings they may need help later to express them. Their behaviour is their best effort to tell you how they feel and it will be helpful for them to feel safe enough to let their feelings show – and get a loving response.
• Be honest about your own vulnerable feelings and then reassure the children that they will be loved and supported by both parents, if this is the truth.
• Set up your own support networks and let your children know you are supported. It helps them to know this so they do not feel an obligation to care for you.
• Tell them how their lives will be affected by the break up. Allow them time to discuss what is happening to their lives, but do not ask them to choose who they want to live with at this stage. Keep disturbance to a minimum. Allow time for this news to register.
• It is rarely good news for children to hear of the break up of their families. Some parents try to sugar coat it, this is not helpful in the long run. Best that everyone faces the truth and the upset so they can come to terms with it.
• Even with very young babies, tell them what is happening and how you are feeling as they will know how you are feeling; if you do not name your feelings, your children are more likely to take them on as if they are their own. Continue to be reassuring about how they will be looked after and loved.
• If the relationship has been faltering, it is wise to state this to the children before telling them you are separating, so it does not come out of the blue as a shock. Something like ‘ I expect you have noticed I have not been very happy lately, Dad and I are not getting along very well, we are trying to sort it out, but not sure what will happen, whatever happens, we both love you and will take very good care of you.’
Telling Others
• Tell your children’s teachers and other significant people in their lives, as it will assist them to extend greater sensitivity to the kids and help to support this massive change to their lives.
Custody
• Babies and very young children need to have consistency with as little change as possible; they need protection, proximity and predictability. Attachment Parenting Theory recommends that children stay with their prime carer until they are six. We reiterate that each family needs to assessed individually but recommend no overnights away from the primary carer and home until children are three; at this point children are more skilful at communicating their point of view, which needs to be taken seriously. Some children will manage overnight stays others will not.
• Many parents and children feel heartbroken by the constant separation that occurs in a divorce. It takes time to grieve and accommodate a new routine. As far as possible listen to the children’s needs and accommodate them.
Ongoing Communication
Whilst the marriage or partnership has disintegrated the parenting role remains. Being able to communicate effectively about children’s needs, education, holiday plans, health etc. will create a more secure environment for your children. They need the adults to take responsibility for arrangements until they become teenagers when parents will have to be more flexible over custody plans to allow the teenager to become independent.
• It is best to start off by agreeing some basics for communication. As everyone can be feeling so raw during separation, email offers a potentially neutral form of communication, which is best kept factual and to the point, without a dig at the other parent.
• Don’t ask your children to carry news from one parent to another in place of parents communicating directly with each other. It is it is not their job and they become frightened if they have to bring news that the other parent does not like to hear.
• Both parents need to know the practical arrangements for the children, e.g. if a child has been unwell or had a particular upset or is in need of special attention or support with homework etc.
The longer view
The quality of the relationship between each child and their parent will naturally evolve through the years, and it will benefit if each parent treats each other with a reasonable level of kindness and civility.
At all stages, it’s important to allow children to have their own experience of their parents.
Parenting will be easier if each parent takes responsibility for their own well-being and actively solves their difficulties. It is not possible to parent effectively if you are distraught.
Modern neuroscience tells us that how a child experiences their relationship with their primary carers and significant others affects how their brain is patterned for life. This is especially significant in the early years and needs to be considered as you make practical arrangements that will impact each parent’s relationship with their child.